Today Sucks

It’s Monday but it’s Monday-ier than most. Thick and heavy like a London fog. Thick with loss. Heavy with chaos.

Three years ago today began about as normal as a day could. So normal that but for the events that transpired later in the day, I wouldn’t be able to detail a single thing about that day. The events later in the day, however, have forever seared this date into my consciousness. It’s the day that a reckless driver stole my daughter, Brooke, from us. Thick with loss.

To make matters more Monday-ier, SARS-C0V-2/Covid-19 (“Coronavirus”) has the entire world in turmoil. The state of world affairs is literally changing at a pace not before seen in my lifetime. These Coronavirus flood waters are still rising so it is yet to be seen where it will leave its final mark. Heavy with chaos.

Yet, even in the middle of this sucky, thick, heavy day – I have to remind myself that loss and chaos DO NOT reign. Loss and chaos DO NOT get the final word.

Keep reading

Season 3

On March 16th, just two short days away, it will be the second anniversary of Brooke’s accident. With wedding anniversaries, there are time-honored understandings about what to do. Paper, cotton, leather, flowers, wood cover the first five years. Tin, crystal, china, silver, gold, diamond as time drags on. Even though you wouldn’t expect anniversary gifts to be “one size fits all,” society has tried-and-true suggestions for how to tick off each passing year. 

Not so much with death. Like marriages, no two grieving families are the same. Yet, we don’t even try when it comes to death anniversaries.

There is no script.

Read more

Unchain My Heart

I’m an awful person. Really. Deep down – in those places no one sees. Hateful thoughts and judgmental “observations” and intolerant tones and ungrateful attitudes lurk. The whys prowl about  – why does it always happen to me?; why am I forced to suffer?; why my baby girl? Why? Why? Why? (Read those last three words out loud. Scary how much they sound like waah, waah, waah.) My own insecurities, regrets, and doubts feed the negativity.  At that point, I’m uncertain whether Satan’s sinister lies take me by force or if I simply surrender out of exhaustion.

In either case, these are the chains that bind my heart. Read more

What does “gratitude” look like in tragedy?

When it comes to filling gas tanks, there are really only two kinds of people: “I have three quarters of a tank, I’d better stop at the next gas station” or “The empty light is blinking. I have least 3.2 miles to go.” I can’t lie. That’s me. I know exactly how far I can push it until I’ll find myself sputtering into the filling station on fumes. I’m a three-miles-past-empty girl.

Sadly, I tend to treat my spirit like my gas tank. The talent for gauging just how low I can go with the car isn’t really so much of a badge of honor where my spirit is concerned. Are you like this? Do you push and push and push until your spirit is depleted? Are you likely to find your soul broken down on a deserted road with no filling station in sight? Read more